the four right chords can make me cry

death is separation.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:40 AM 0 comments

welcome to nerdom
i diagnose myself with systemic urticaria! despite the itchiness, i'm actually quite pleased about it. i'm experiencing first-hand, stuff that i've been reading about for weeks! cool! i could even show off my weals during my lit review presentation on friday. ah, the joys of working in an allergy and immunology lab.
though i am somewhat regretting turning down the antihistamine injection now. ITCHY.

posted by beckyboo @ 11:20 PM 0 comments

America :: Simon and Garfunkel

Let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together
I've got some real estate here in my bag
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies
And we walked off to look for America

Cathy I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
Michigan seems like a dream to me now
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for America

Laughing on the bus playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said be careful his bowtie is really a camera

Toss me a cigarette I think there's one in the raincoat
We smoked the last one an hour ago
So I looked at the scenery she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field

Cathy I'm lost I said though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all come to look for America
All come to look for America


Thank you, two friends who care, for today =)

posted by beckyboo @ 1:15 AM 0 comments

this test was too life sciency to resist


it even has telomeres, how accurate!

posted by beckyboo @ 12:38 AM 0 comments

i swear there are crickets hiding in the roof of my toilet. i hear them (or it) chirpping, and honestly, it freaks the &$^$# out of me. i hate bugs. and of all places, the toilet, a private place where you're literally naked and vulnerable. i know they're crickets, i think i saw one in my room before. but i don't know what they're doing hanging out in my toilet, the perverts. reminds me of revelations 7, reading about those bugs always always gives me the creeps.

but that's not really what i'm trying to say.

i guess i'm trying to say that i'm feeling messed up, and alone. but then again, it probably isn't true, not the alone bit anyway. rachel just prayed for me over the phone, she remains one of those people i can't pretend to be ok in front of, strange, considering how i don't really see her very often, and she's been on exchange for the past 6 months.

i've been trying so hard not to cry, and doing a fantastic job of it, might i add. but now that i can, sitting at my computer, not even bothering to turn the lights on, with those infernal crickets behind me, i do.

priorities come into sharp relief.

and everyone is bugging me to do stuff. even the SEP people have gotten of their bums and suddenly demanded documents from me. the request for financial statement was like a stinging slap when i opened my email, i've only managed to save 4k (my entire life's savings) and now is a really really bad time to be asking my mum for the money, she's been really busy at work (cranky), and ah mah is dying. that's so weird to type, a gross understatement for everything everyone's been feeling, i've just been trying to avoid the subject. but i want to say this first: I love you ah mah.

loss and change, the 2 things i could never cope with. guilt and despair, my primary reactions. retreat into isolation and pretence, my secondary reactions.

just don't ask me if i'm ok. of course i am, i'm not the one dying you know? i've only got a silly little sore throat which makes me sound like i've been to too many rag days, but how does that compare with dying? half a lung, that's all she's got left, and every breath is truly a struggle. i don't know if she knows we're there.

did you read the papers today? about the skeleton found in the house? a whole load of people can be there for your 21st birthday, but i guess the real test is who is going to be there when you die. but one thing fascinated me: the person they suppose the skeleton once was used to walk around with a guitar slung around her. i sometimes imagine that i might die that way, alone, not the guitar bit, although that was really fascinating.

but the world doesnt stop for me or anyone else. i still have to present my lit review next week, when i'm completely loss, and dr chew seems to think i'm asking for spoonfeeding, without realising that i don't even know what a lit review is. i still had to close the accounts today and settle reciepts, but that wasn't so bad lah, very easy. i still have a bunch of people i want to call even though i can hardly speak. SEP people want me to prove that i have money that i dont have. writing assistant interviews are soon. someone upset my bacteria in the shaker so i couldn't do my purification today, which means i have a lot to do next week.

and those infernal crickets are still in my toilet.

posted by beckyboo @ 8:48 PM 1 comments

THANK YOU!
it was swarming with people, it was really hot, and i kept having to run outside to answer phone calls, but i had a really good time on saturday!
so many people to thank... but let's just try
chronologically:
- God: for creating this whole world, with a plan for redemption; and creating, loving and saving me
- Mum and Dad: for giving me life, spending lots of money on me, and tolerating crazy party ideas
- hazel: for going grocery shopping with me at mustafa
- enai and hozea: for buying and dropping off the cake in the middle of the night
- timo, tianen, nick, dom: for embarrassing me by singing off key at the prata shop
- tianen: for lending me all that stuff and walking me and hazel home
- tianen's mum: for not minding us descending on her house and making off with stuff at 1am, and for cooking fried rice!
- enai and hazel: for coming early in the morning to help with the food which was a massive task
- steph (miss lim): for sending the flowers and perfume, which i was so surprised to find on the table when i got home. So sweet!!!
- guests: for persevering in coming, in spite of getting lost, and for putting up with the heat due to the sheer number of people in the house.
- food contributors: for spending the time and effort to prepare, which serendipidously appeared just as the existing food was running out
- mysterious helpers: for replenishing food, drinks, and clearing away stuff, all without my notice!
- daniel, graham, cheryl, hozea: for indulging me at such short notice with excellent live music!
- serene: pinata, the highlight of the night!
- many more!

after that, i fell sick on sunday, was running a fever last night. today at lab, they shoo-ed me home early, so i got a few hours of sleep before going off to give tuition. still, in between i managed to go take photos with anne at her convocation and change my password at the computer centre.

turning 21 was crazy fun, but other events seem to looming...

my grandma (mum's side) is in hospital again. it looks bad, do pray for her. i feel guilty to be at the start of life when i see her in that hospital bed, i feel so guilty thinking of how seldom i go visit her at her house, that i only visit her in hospital. i really hate hospitals.

the last time my grandma was in hospital, she had wanted to give me a chain for my birthday. that's really the furthest thing on our minds now, as in the buzz and whirr of hospital machines we silently contemplate life and its berevity.

why does life go on when things happen? why does everything carry on as though life didn't make a difference? my mum's still not back from hospital, i can't visit my grandma tommorrow because i have to give tuition. why do they still quarrel over his hair? this morning in the car my mum told darren to cut his hair as a sign of respect to my grandma, saying that she could hardly recognise him. and naturally, he reacted. we're talking about my grandma here, hair's really the secondary issue, why do we have to yell?

why.

posted by beckyboo @ 10:55 PM 0 comments

time is not on my side.

posted by beckyboo @ 1:30 AM 0 comments

song of the moment:
Peaches by The Presidents of the United States of America

Movin' to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country gonna eat me a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin' to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches

Peaches come from a can
They were put there by a man
In a factory downtown
If I had my little way
I'd eat peaches everyday
Sun-soakin' bulges in the shade

Movin to the country Im gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin to the country Im gonna eat a lot of peaches
Im movin to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches
Movin to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches

I took a little nap where the roots all twist
Squished a rotten peach in my fist
And dreamed about you woman
I poked my finger down inside
Makin' a little room for an ant to hide
Natures candy in my hand or can or a pie

Millions of peaches peaches for me
Millions of peaches peaches for free
Millions of peaches peaches for me
Millions of peaches peaches for free

Look out!

Millions of peaches peaches for me
Millions of peaches peaches for free
Millions of peaches peaches for me
Millions of peaches peaches for free

Look out!

posted by beckyboo @ 2:19 PM 1 comments